June 2020 IWSG: A Giant Chicken

This month, the IWSG wants to know: "Writers have secrets! What are one or two of yours, something readers would never know from your work?" 

I'm not sure how much of a secret this actually is, especially to anyone who knows me, but here goes: I am a Giant Chicken. 

Yes, I read, watch and write horror, but I do it all with many, many nervous glances over my shoulder. 

Yes, I am a grown woman, but I still cower under the covers. (Mostly because I'm not sure I can fit under the bed.) 

Yes, logic and reason tell me - logically and reasonably - that most of what I create, read and watch couldn't or wouldn't happen. But, as a Giant Chicken, I must point out that's exactly what every Doomed Character says right before they go into the pitch-black basement where the light bulb has, of course, burned out but it's too much trouble to go back for a flashlight, so they keep going until they die a horrible death by way of teeth and tentacles. 

I'm a worrier from waaaay back. The anxieties and fears are worse now, and some days are extremely hard. Some days I wish I were different – braver, stronger, more normal. 

But I'm learning not only to manage my issues the best I can but also to accept how my mind works, even embrace it. So, I will continue to wring the fear from my terror-soaked imagination and splatter it on the page for you all to read and - hopefully! - enjoy. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to evict some dust bunnies from under the bed. Just in case. 

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May 2020 IWSG: Happy Hour

My creativity has crawled away. My focus has flown the coop. My motivation has meandered off. I can only hope they're all together somewhere, enjoying happy hour beach-side and toasting with tropical drinks crowned with little umbrellas. 

I was doing okay overall with the COVID-19 situation. Sure, there's been bumps, like an ongoing delay with moving into our new place and issues with my husband's business, but nothing compared to what some other people are dealing with. So what happened? I have no idea.  

My most recent "accomplishment" – and I use the term very loosely – was giving my husband a haircut. Not even a cut, more of a trim. The result? He looks a lot like Larry. Larry is a tortoise. A handsome tortoise, but still a tortoise. And tortoises don't have hair. You do the math. 

What's inspiring you? What's motivating you? Please give me the kick in the butt I need to get going again. And feel free to use both feet. 

I would really like to join the rest of my gang in time for their next round of margaritas.

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April 2020 IWSG: Stay in Your Shell

On a good day, my issues with anxiety, germs, etc. remind me of children playing hide-and-seek. They dart from shadowy corners to poke my nerves with sticky fingers, giggling all the while. Annoying, but manageable. 

Now, in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, those same issues are tantrum-throwing hooligans, hopped up on sugar, bouncing on the bed like it’s a trampoline, laughing maniacally at the top of their lungs. 

So, I act like the mother I would've been if I had children (human children, not hard-shelled ones. Besides, the tortoises know better than to jump on the bed), and I ignore them. Head down, I write. 

Not too long ago, writing had become a struggle. Now, writing is saving me. My creepy tales are actually providing some light in my darkness. I focus on small projects like flash fiction – easier to hold the story in my head – and ones with upcoming deadlines to keep me on task. I'm considering a bigger project, keeping the attitude and the plan loose, seeing what develops. And I'm going to try some brainstorming sessions, get weird and wild on the page. 

I still have bad moments, bad days. My freak-outs are freakier than usual (just ask my poor husband!) But I'm doing what I can to hold it all together and right now, that's enough. 

All of us here at TSR are sending good thoughts and prayers your way. And, in the words of the tortoises (okay, so they say it with their eyes) – 

** Stay safe. Stay well. **

* Stay in your shell. *

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How are you all doing? Are you writing? What's one positive thing you can share, something you're grateful for? Not big picture like health, but on a smaller scale - a great book you read, an excellent movie you watched, a new recipe you tried, a night sky full of stars you don't normally look at - that kind of thing. 

*****

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March 2020 IWSG: Bye-Bye, Balance

I'm not good with balance, literal and otherwise. As a kid, I was the little girl in dance class who flailed then tipped over. I once ate so much fruit cocktail I broke out in hives. (Yes, I know. Not chocolate cake. Not ice cream. Fruit. Cocktail.) I read my Little House on the Prairie books one right after the other then started over again until they literally fell apart in my hands. 

I was actually pretty happy doing my own thing. (Okay, maybe not so much with the hives.) So, as a younger adult, I purposely made life choices that let me do just that. 

But I often found myself doubting, floundering, feeling like I had little to no emotional support or understanding. I craved balance which, in my world, gave me a sense of approval, normalcy, safety. When I achieved it, I was relieved . . . but also deeply disquieted. 

See, I didn't really want balance. I spent so much energy on finding it and trying to hold onto it I had nothing left for the life I truly wanted. The more balanced I became, the less of myself I became.

"I think balance is for people 

who don't know why they're here." 

(Blake Crouch, Recursion)

For me, balance wasn't about stability; it was about fear. I believe balance kept me from being and doing my best. (Of course, everyone is different, and if balance helps you then go for it! You do you!)  

It'll be a process, this "unbalancing" of myself. Some people, like my husband, will cheer me on, while others won't approve. (So what else is new?) I look forward to meeting myself again in my writing and in my life. I just hope I recognize her. 

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February 2020 IWSG: My Creative Cave

My husband and I are moving in the next few months. My anxiety level is at an all time high - big surprise! - and I am beyond stressed. We're busy trying to get all our ducks . . . um, I mean, tortoises in a row. Speaking of tortoises, they're happy their new outdoor area will be a bit bigger but they're kind of miffed their indoor habitat set-up will stay the same for now. I tell them, "Sheesh! Hold your shells! One house at time!"

So, as I declutter and downsize, I thought this would be a good opportunity to focus my freaking out and really consider my new creative cave. This is where you all come in:

* WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT YOUR CREATIVE SPACE?

* WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU CHANGE?

And when I say "creative space" that's whatever it is to you – a home office, a corner of your living room, a patio, a favorite table in a coffeehouse. I'll have a small room of my own with a door I can close, something that makes the other members of my household – hard-shelled and otherwise – very relieved.

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January 2020 IWSG: Laughter vs the Vortex of Doom

Sometimes I forget to laugh. 

My imagination and my thoughts run "dark." Even as a kid, anxieties and fears were, like my stuffed animals, my constant companions. One particular game of "pretend" that I created involved a plane crash. A story I wrote in high school had terrified kids running through the woods being chased by some menacing presence. 

That past informs my present – my struggles with anxiety and my writing. One way I try to light the darkness is to focus on things that bring me joy, things that make me laugh. But lately, caught up in my own vortex of doom, laughter's been the last thing on my mind. 

Until my husband and I re-watched old episodes of The Office (U.S. version.) I laughed so much I almost fell of the couch. And when I finally stopped, I felt . . . lighter. And I realized that I must - for more reasons than I care to name - do more of that in 2020. 

So that's one of my resolutions - laugh more, lighten up a bit. And keep the shadows out of my mind and in my stories, where they belong. 

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What makes YOU laugh? Great big belly laughs, delirious snorts, gaggles of giggles? TV shows, movies, books, podcasts, comedians, jokes/puns, funny videos on YouTube, anything and everything? (For me, the Minions from the Despicable Me movies always make me chuckle, and TV-wise, I love The Office, Seinfeld, The Big Bang Theory and The Middle.)  

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December IWSG: Ugly . . . Yet Useful

I recently dragged my sorry butts – my writing butt and my regular butt - across their respective finish lines, and in both cases, it was ugly. 

The writing finish line was NaNo. I started strong but then stopped having fun with my story idea. So, I decided to switch gears . . . but had nothing substantial to switch to. I was flopping around like a fish out of water. I ended up going the NaNo Rebel route - I pieced together all sorts of ideas and descriptions and flash stories. The end result is some sort of FrankenManuscript - a Mr. Potato Head for the torso, a Barbie arm here, a rag doll leg there, etc.

The actual finish line was for a 5k I thought I could handle walking. Let's just say I pretty much looked like that same fish, only too exhausted to do anything but lie there, gasping for breath. The FrankenManuscript would've lurched across the finish line faster. And looked better doing it. 

Both events left me aching, confused and frustrated, but they also left me with an important realization: it's time to get myself well and truly sorted, writing and otherwise. Sometimes you don't realize how far from the sea you've gotten until you find yourself gasping for air.   

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How was your November? Have any wins – ugly or otherwise – lately? How about any realizations that will set you on a better path? 

*****

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November IWSG: Are We Having Fun Yet?

YES! 

Happy National Novel Writing Month, everyone! I usually use NaNo to work on a project that I will later revise over and over (and over!) in the hopes of querying or submitting or self-publishing. But the last couple of Novembers, I changed all that up. The focus now? Fun! 

Don't get me wrong, I still take it seriously. Writing is what I do, a huge part of who I am. And sure, if at the end of the month I have a story that has legs, no matter how shaky, I'll consider walking the project down one of my usual paths. But if it doesn't have legs? If all it has are thick nose hairs that have rooted themselves into the ground? That's okay, too. 

This November, it's all about the creative muscle. If you've been coming around here for any length of time, you know by now how much I hate exercising but somehow, working that creative muscle makes me so very happy. Working that creative muscle feels a lot like play. And I don't play nearly enough anymore. 

I've got wild cliffhangers and plot twists galore! I use exclamation points everywhere! I've got lurking monsters and poor, unsuspecting characters! (Because, really, what else are those monsters going to eat?)

So, if you need me, you know where to find me. You don't? I'm in my writing cave. Come on in. I'm all the way in the back. I know it's dark. Watch your step. That noise behind you? Oh, that's nothing, nothing at all . . . .  

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Are you having fun this November? What are you up to? NaNo-ing? Working on another creative project? 

 *****

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October IWSG: Wishing You All The Wins

As someone who should have the word "insecure" tattooed somewhere on my body, I am extremely hesitant to say out loud that things are going well in my writing world. (And now the tortoises have ducked inside their shells, sure the lightning is about to strike. . . . ) After a long and ugly drought, I find myself in a deluge of "wins." (More about this in a future post!)

But before those wins was the work. A whole weeping-hot-mess lot of it. Creative, emotional, mental, you name it. 

And it was worth it. 

For the record, let me just say that I am not so cocky as to think the work is over. Pffft. Some version of that drought will come again. Writer's block/burnout. Rejections. Not so nice reviews. Breakdowns. Meltdowns. And sometimes it just doesn't matter how hard or how much you work, it still feels like you fail. 

Do it anyway. 

Keep working. The work makes the wins even sweeter.

Keep winning. Whatever those wins look like for you. No matter how big or how small or how silly they may seem to other people. (Some days just getting out of bed is a win for me.) A win is a win.  

I will keep working, keep winning. 

And I will keep cheering for all of you and wishing you all the wins.

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What are some of your recent wins? Creative, health, life in general? Come on, I know you have at least one . . . .  

*****

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Please stop by and visit my co-hosts: 

Ronel Janse van Vuren

Mary Aalgaard

Ellen @The Cynical Sailor

September IWSG: I'm Back, Baby! I'm Back!

Way back in June, I set out to have a Summer of George, three months of fun and joy and remembering what it was like to be a kid in the summer. I hoped to find my mojo – creative and otherwise – again, to find my way back to myself. 

And you know what? It worked. 

But not the way I expected. 

Instead of turning outward to activities and people, I ended up turning inward. Some of this was due to the heat – oh, how I love air conditioning! – and some of it was due to conversations that showed me some unfortunate truths. I retreated into my shell, into books and TV and movies, and . . . into my writing. 

Slowly but surely, I'm discovering my stories again. This is giving me the spine I need, the strength, to say enough to some of the negative in my life and to embrace more of the positive. Like brainstorming ideas in prep for NaNo! Subbing stories! Taking care of my mental and physical health! I'm ready to rock this fall!

So to bookend these summer posts, let us once again turn to the immortal words of George Costanza -

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How was your summer? Have lots of fun and/or any serious revelations? What are you looking forward to this fall?   

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August IWSG: Where Everybody Knows Your Name

My husband and I have been watching some old favorite sitcoms lately and, in my opinion, one of the best theme songs ever is from Cheers. And although we don't serve drinks around here (to be honest, we'd most likely serve chocolate and coffee anyway, or banana and basil if it was up to the tortoises), the theme song makes me think of this blog and all of you. 

In my June IWSG and July IWSG posts, I mentioned some things I was struggling with, and let me tell you how nice it was to have a place to go, even if it was "only online", where I felt encouraged and heard and supported. 

Please don't ever underestimate the power of a simple line of recognition or a handful of cheerleading words. It might just be the boost a person needs to get over that next hurdle. Or, in my case, drag myself under it. (Hey, I never claimed to be graceful.) 

So in this IWSG post, I want to say thank you to all of you. Not only for all the great advice and suggestions for the posts where I need an emotional pick-me-up, but also for coming by in general and commenting, for offering congratulations on my published work, for reading my stories and telling me how much you enjoy them and/or how much they creep you out. (And we all know around here that's pretty much the same thing.)

*** Thank you!!! *** 

*****

Who or what are you thankful for today? In your writing life? In your life in general? 

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July IWSG: STEMMING THE TIDE OF STAGNATION

Once, when the tortoises were small, my husband and I put a parsley plant in their space. The idea was for them to nibble at their leisure. 

A (very!) short time later, we were greeted by two very full and happy tortoises . . . and a bunch of sad looking stems.

Much like that first imagined scenario, I've had a problem nibbling at me for years. It's affected everything in my life, from my confidence to my writing. It's insidious and subtle and left me doubting myself, blaming myself. But like the actual scenario, I've recently been torn down and ripped up. I'm like those stems - limp, exhausted, exposed. It's scary, but now I have clarity. It's not my fault. I'm not crazy. I can finally see what's been happening, and what I can do about it. 

To paraphrase Maya Angelou – When you know better, you do better. Just like my husband and I now know to keep the parsley plant away from cute (but greedy!) tortoises, we also now know to keep ourselves away, as much as possible anyway, from negative and toxic influences. It won't be easy but with careful tending, a new plant - and a renewed passion for creativity and writing – will grow, healthy and strong and thriving! 

(Side note: The Summer of George is not going very well, but I haven't given up! There is still a lot of summer left!)

*****

Have you ever experienced that moment of clarity, that relief it wasn't you, it wasn't all in your head? Any suggestions for self-care and building back self-esteem? How's your summer going? 

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June IWSG: The Summer of George 2019

Okay, it might not be the whole summer, and my name is not George, but The Half Summer of Madeline sounds strange. So I'm declaring it The Summer of George 2019! *

To be honest, I'm struggling. Creativity is fleeting, elusive, like the fireflies I tried to catch as a kid, while anxiety and minor health issues seem heavy and never-ending, like the sidewalks I used to roller-skate on.

Summer used to mean freedom, filling my days with things I loved. I need some of that back. And so that's what this summer is all about.

Binge-reading. Eating ice cream. Going to the beach. Watching scary movies. Doing arts and crafts. Playing with ideas for July's Camp NaNo.

It's not all fun and games. I still have grown-up things to do, of course, so I'll get those done. Other stuff? Not so much. It's about the attitude.

This might all seem silly, and it might not work, but my creativity and my spirit demand I do something before they become too dim to be seen in the summer dusk.

*****

What was your summer like as a kid? What's it like now? Have any suggestions for fun activities? (Traveling isn't easy for me so closer-to-home ideas are appreciated!) What are you looking forward to this summer - a trip? a project? a book? a movie? 

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* If you're not familiar with Seinfeld's The Summer of George, or if you just want a good chuckle, check out the clip (it's less than a minute) below -

And if you know The Summer of George storyline, please join me in hoping my summer turns out better than George's . . . .

*****

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Please stop by and say hi to my fellow IWSG co-hosts: Diane Burton, Kim Lajevardi, Sylvia Ney, Sarah Foster, and Jennifer Hawes.

IWSG: Bring It On, May!

Did you ever have one of those times when it felt like for every one step forward, you ended up taking two steps backward? Welcome to my April.

I cut back on social media . . . but not as much as I'd intended. My plan was to regroup and re-energize, to find focus off screen, but I still found myself online more often than not.

I worked on my novella . . . only to go back and change the POV again. And again. And again. Even my characters are annoyed. I've caught them huddled up, casting sly glances over their shoulders at me, plotting an evil takeover. Hmm, maybe I should let them  . . . .

And don't even get me started on the life-related things I barely made progress on. I'm pretty sure the tortoises accomplished more than I did last month. They definitely ate more fruits and vegetables, walked around a lot, and spent time relaxing in the sun.

Okay, I did complete a short story and submit it before a mid-April deadline. And I entered one of literary agent Janet Reid's recent flash fiction contests and even though my story didn't make the finals, it did receive this comment -

"Madeline Mora-Summonte scares me."

So, yes, I'm going to take that as a compliment, thank you very much. And I'm going to use it as a reminder and as a kick in the pants, use it for motivation and for momentum. Bring it on, May!

*****

How was your April? Did you make good progress on a project or did you get stymied? What are you hoping to accomplish this month, with your writing or otherwise? Do I scare you? 

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IWSG: Banana on the Horizon

Every once in a while, I find one of the tortoises flipped over. Usually this happens when they're doing something they're not supposed to, and I'm starting to wonder if the same goes for me.

That shiny new project from last month? It had an upcoming submission deadline that I was so sure I could make. Pffft. No way.

A short story rejection? Puh-leeze. That's nothing new around here. It's part of the writing life. But a recent rejection sent me spiraling deeper than usual, and I don't know why.

Add in the usual life stuff, and it's been quite the March.

But much like a flipped over tortoise who knows there will be banana on the horizon one of these days, and you have to be on your feet to eat it, I will regroup and right myself!

One way I'm doing this is to take April off from most social media. I'll still be around, but there's a short story I want to write, and a novella draft that needs finishing. After that, I don't really know. But I do believe there's banana out there for me, and when I find it, I will turn it into the best banana split ever. (Seriously, did you think I was going to go through all this introspective hoopla for a plain old banana? Sheesh!)

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Have you taken a social media break recently? Planning on taking one? What do you focus on when you do - a particular project, re-filling the creative well, traveling? What else? Any suggestions for me?

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IWSG: The Cake Fork vs. The Pen

Just when I made a decision regarding my next writing project, a new opportunity started waving at me and yelling, "Hey, you! Put down that cake fork and pick up a pen! Get over here!"

My first thought was to keep my head down and follow through on my goal. That's what focused people do. That's what accomplished adults do. That's what successful professionals do.

Since I am none of those things, I decided to chuck my original plan and follow this new opportunity's siren song.

Now, this siren song could be a deliciously haunting opera with dark notes and seductive shadows that premieres to standing ovations. Of course, it could be the cigarette-huskied ditty of an evil bag lady who wants to stab my creativity with a cake fork and add it to her collection of doomed writers' souls she pushes around in her cart.

I'm willing to take that chance.

So, for the next month or so, I'll be keeping my head down and following through . . . on this new project. Wish me luck!

*****

Have you been swayed lately by a new idea, a new opportunity? Or did you stick to your original plan? How did you decide? 

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IWSG: Between a Rock and a Crazy Place

The title of this post is from an episode of The Big Bang Theory, and it pretty much sums up how I feel about my writing right now.

My plan for 2019 was to work on two big writing projects. They differ in some ways, but are similar in others. They're at different stages in development. And I'm equally excited about both of them. I can totally do this! I told myself. I'll come up with a plan, and I will rock it!

Well, the only rock around here is the one I'm hitting my head against, over and over. What was I thinking?

I was thinking, I should be able to do this. Other writers do it all the time.

But maybe I can't. Maybe I'm not disciplined enough or strategic enough in my planning. Maybe my middle-aged, anxiety-riddled, worry-wringing brain can't carry everything - multiple characters, reams of dialogue, scenes galore, etc - around the way it used to. Maybe I don't have the creative energy or the physical energy to take on two big projects.

Or maybe I just work better focusing on one project at a time. Maybe I should let one wait its turn. But which one? And you know as soon as I put it aside, I'll be struck by a brilliant plot twist or a super-duper scene stealing moment.

Hmm, maybe I'll just sit here on my rock awhile and see if you all have any thoughts. . . .

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How do you work best? Do you prefer to focus on one project at a time or do you like lots going at once? How do you handle multiple projects re: scheduling, creative energy, etc.? Should I give my 2019 plan a little longer, see if I can make it work? 

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IWSG: Cautiously Optimistic

I used to approach pretty much every new year with "unbridled enthusiasm" (sorry - ever since Festivus, I've got "Seinfeld" on the brain....) I'd race down the road of life, aiming for an imaginary finish line. I'd fall into that New Year = New Everything mentality, and set my expectations so high, the fall would've killed me if I didn't have so much padding.

Now, after many years and many gray hairs, I've learned something about myself. I don't bounce back the way I used to. (Pft, nothing on me bounces back the way it used to....) I no longer want to hurtle down the road like a tortoise after a banana.

Don't get me wrong, I still have goals and projects for 2019 - two writing ones, some health-related, a few fun-for-me ideas. But instead of being all whoo-hoo as I approach the new year, I am cautiously optimistic. I can actually see the finish lines. I might end up moving them, but at least I can plod my way toward them. And you know what? I'm good with this new pace. 

If you're all gung-ho for the new year, more power to you, and I will cheer you on and root for you as you fly past me. But if you're taking it easier, going a little slower, come walk with me. We can keep each other company until our paths diverge.

***** 

What's your approach to the new year? Planning on doing anything differently? Have any big projects you're excited about? 

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IWSG: Radicchio and the Rebel

IWSG

We feed the tortoises the same food, but they don't eat the same way. One will often chow down while the other proceeds to walk through the food dish. (I still don't know if this in protest of what is served or just because they feel like it.) Whenever we'd put mixed greens in the dish, Mrs. Larry would go after any pieces of radicchio the way I go after chocolate. Meanwhile, Larry would let it languish in the dish. So, imagine our surprise when one day, Larry nibbled a piece of radicchio . . . then continued to plow through all the other greens hunting for more. Apparently, after years of thinking he didn't care for radicchio, Larry decided to give it a try and discovered he liked it.

This is what happened to me. Not with a vegetable - pfft! - but with my writing. I recently gave a project a try - something I never thought I would do, something I never thought I could do. It was a last-minute, give-it-a-whirl, why-not kind of project for this NaNo Rebel, and I went into it with little to no expectations. But the more I worked on it, the more I was pulled in, the more I liked it. It became my radicchio. 

So, as this year ends and a new one beckons, I wonder what this means - if anything - for my writing future. Maybe it's time for me, like Larry, to start digging under all those other greens and devour those spicy, crunchy, chicory leaves for myself . . . .

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What are your writing plans for the rest of the month? For the New Year? Are you making any big changes? Or are you staying on the course you've set for yourself? 

IWSG: Cave Dweller

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I am way down here in the deep, dark NaNo caves, and I'm struggling to find my out, to find my way through. I'm searching for a rope so I can haul my word count to higher ground. I'm looking for a light to show my plot the way forward. I'm digging for hunks of confidence, buried like precious metals.

The other day, I was reading blogs (instead of working on NaNo!) when I came across these lines:

". . . I absolutely read what I wrote the day 

or hour before and believe that it is 

this horrible, unpublishable dreck. 

I'm usually typing away at something 

and shaking my head at the same time, 

because I think it sucks. 

It's true. I've got eight published novels . . . 

and guys - it just doesn't matter. 

Whatever I'm creating right now 

is going to be the book that reveals me 

as a fraud and a hack. 

I have no confidence when I'm creating, 

so if you're in the same place - congratulations. 

You're a writer."

(Mindy McGinnis)

Maybe I'm not as alone down here as I thought . . . .

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Are you and your project stuck in a cave, too, or is the sun on your skin, the breeze ruffling your manuscript's pages? Any suggestions for how to get there? How's November, in general, going for you?