TOO MANY OF US ARE NOT LIVING OUR DREAMS
BECAUSE WE ARE LIVING OUR FEARS
(Les Brown)
I am too afraid of what people think of me. Not everyone and not all the time, but I find myself worrying about how some people will perceive what I do or don't do, what I say or don't say, etc. Part of this stems from a lifetime of feeling like I was on the outside looking in, observing how others - "normal" people - acted and spoke and lived. As a kid, I felt like all the other kids were playing a game that I didn't know the rules for. As an adult, I often just don't "get" people.
On the rare occasion when I have spoken up - usually done oh so carefully so as to ruffle the least amount of feathers as possible! - the reaction is still often disrespectful. So, I've learned to - mostly! - keep myself to myself, and put on the appropriate face and say the appropriate words and do the appropriate things…while I slowly wither away inside.
And I am so, so tired of it.
I don't know about you all, but I am old enough, and at a stage in my life, that this should not be an issue. And I am incredibly angry at myself that it is.
Standing up for ourselves and dealing with the consequences is an emotional roller coaster where guilt and sadness and frustration twist our hearts and guts into unrecognizable shapes. But constantly doing what others want and saying what is expected is exhausting and a betrayal of our spirit.
So, if there's a pretty good chance I'm going to be unhappy or hurt or guilt-ridden either way, then I am going to choose being who I am, and hope that, sooner rather later, I will become stronger and tougher and more myself than ever.
What - or who - will you choose?
I want to choose being who I am, and some of the time I do that. Sadly, not all of the time, but I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteI think the key is to keep working on it and, hopefully, it will ultimately become our default. I won't give up if you won't. :)
DeleteDon't be angry at yourself. It's actually a huge step to admit it like this. I admire your honesty and openness.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Keith. Maybe I should be a little kinder to myself, eh?
DeleteI speak up for myself, but not often enough. Since I had kids, I've realized that standing up for my beliefs and being unfraid to speak my opinions is all the more imporant—I have a little children watching me, and I want them to grow up knowing that what they think and believe matters. Thanks for this post!
ReplyDeleteExcellent point, Dana. I also think it's important for kids to know they'll be loved and accepted, even if their thoughts, etc are different than their parents' or other family members', that being loved is not contingent on being the same.
DeleteYou've taken the first step! Time to be true to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying! :)
DeleteI hope you find what you need inside to stay true to your vow. Be yourself and you'll find out who your friends really are.
ReplyDeleteThat's the part that hurts, isn't it? I've experienced that, where I stood up for myself or said something that didn't fit with what other people wanted me to say or do, and I was surprised at, and unprepared for, their reaction. Disagreeing is one thing, disrespect is another.
DeleteOnce you sort of embrace the 'people don't always get me' as a COOL feature about you, it is very liberating. I figure I'm an acquired taste, like stinky cheese and red wine... those are GOOD things, yes? But not for everybody... And MAN is it nice to just not worry about it!
ReplyDeleteI love those times when I don't worry about it, when I don't care, when I don't let it bother me…I just wish that happened more often.
DeleteI have strong beliefs, that's what I speak up about the most. You must be yourself, in control, and don't let people ruffle you. I thought I needed human respect when actually you need God's respect. He loves us no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI definitely let some people ruffle me but I'm working on stopping that. :)
DeleteOh my. I'm the queen of offending people. You might not think that because everything on the web goes through my typing filter, but when I married my hubby, he made me aware of my propensity. Then, being the worrier that I am, I obsessed over it, so I tend to be a little more quiet than I used to be...but that's probably a good thing. I figure once the kids are out of the house I'll learn how to be social again. Maybe. ;)
ReplyDeleteI think the trick is to surround yourself with people who get you and/or who accept you and are respectful even when you say "no" or when you disagree with them. To paraphrase a quote - "those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter."
DeleteI can relate. Part of what you said is what happens to me, but the other part of my humor. I don't often verbalize the sense of humor in my head. (I hope that makes sense)
ReplyDeleteI tend to be more sarcastic (not mean though), more dry. And it totally throws people off I think cause I'm generally quiet. People that know me well get it, but others don't and I feel like they really think what I said was true, when I meant it jokenly. I need a way to say LOL or :) when I speak, maybe that would help.
But then if they think what I said was true (but it was meant to be funny) then I worry about what they think about me. (I hope that makes sense too and I apologize for being rambly. :)
Not rambly at all, and I totally get what you're saying. I personally enjoy a dry/sarcastic but not mean sense of humor. :)
DeleteYour comment re the emoticons made me think of that Big Bang Theory episode where Leonard asks Sheldon if he should hold up a sarcasm sign, and Sheldon asks, "You have a sarcasm sign?" :)
I think, too, that there's probably always going to be somebody who doesn't like something about us, what we say, do, etc. It is/would be exhausting - and impossible! - trying to please everyone…as I am learning.
I've been in those shoes you're describing, Madeline. They never fit me very well and they pinched when I tried to dance in them, but I didn't know how to take them off back then. Now that I know what it's like to wear the shoes that I'm comfortable in, I do look back sometimes and think, "Now why did I put up with those old shoes if I could have had this?" But I try to be easy on myself (key word is TRY), and I encourage you to do the same for yourself, because we wouldn't truly appreciate the bliss of wearing the new, comfy shoes if we hadn't gone a few miles in those awful ones.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great comment - thank you! And I will try to be a little easier on myself, and maybe recognize the progress I made/make. :)
DeleteI have noticed that I don't stand up for myself at all, mainly because I'm too afraid of offending people. I need to start changing that.
ReplyDeletewww.modernworld4.blogspot.com
I definitely think we need to do that more - in a considerate and respectful way, of course. It will help us gain more confidence and feel more comfortable in our own skin.
Deleteand I speak up too often! I think it's about finding the right balance. Knowing when to go with the crowd and when to stand alone. And being happy with the choice we've made.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think we have to pick our battles, and be happy with our choices. :)
DeleteI am doing the A-Z for the first time this year. Eek! I didn't even think about a theme. Hmmm. I'll just have to see what I can sort out.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and I can't wait to see what you decide. I'm sure it will be great.
Leanne Ross ( readfaced.wordpress.com & @LeanneRossRF )
Good luck! And you don't have to have a theme - lots of people don't. I just find it easier to write posts that way.
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