WE TEACH PEOPLE
HOW TO TREAT US.
(Dr. Phil McGraw)
I'm sorry to say I've let people believe it's okay to disrespect me by disrespecting my writing.
I've let people - those who you'd think would be supportive and interested - say things to me like "Oh, I just don't think to look at your blog." Or, when told about a published story or a current writing project, respond with, "Uh-huh, uh-huh. Right, right." Or consistently ask how my husband's work is going...then don't ask about my work, my writing.
What bothers me more than anything is the thought that I somehow gave these people permission to do this. Oh sure, my writing is on conversational par with the weather. Of course, my husband works a "real job" while I just twiddle my thumbs. How in the world did I let this happen?!
I know how. It's simple. I'm a wimp. I don't like confrontation. The first time someone disrespected my writing, I was too surprised to say anything...so I just let it go. And I kept letting it go.
Until now.
I'm not going to go all She Hulk and start yelling at people. I can't make people respect me and what I do. I can't make them ask about my writing. I can't make them care. But I can shorten the frustrating conversations, shorten my responses to self-absorbed emails. I can take my energy elsewhere. I can pour it into projects that feed my soul, into people who I respect and who respect me, and into saving my sanity.
Let's make sure we teach people how to treat us - and our art - with respect. If you already do that, keep going strong! If you're starting out, take baby steps and know you are not alone....
One of the hardest things for me to sort of assimilate about writing was that the people who CARE and DON'T care are not the people you expect. I think a huge number of people who care about ME and who I've been close to over the years just really don't understand artistic pursuits. They don't grasp doing something that is a passionate, intricate part of themselves. On the other hand, I've got several people who were once really just acquaintances who have been amazingly supportive--because they get it. I don't know if you are on Facebook or anything like that, but that is how I ran across most of those--the fellow artists who get it. Try not to be offended by those who don't--their lives are just missing the context through which to understand it.
ReplyDeleteGood comment, Hart!
DeleteI think that if you care about a person, you care about what he or she is passionate about. You don't have to totally understand it, but you can still cheer them on, you can still ask questions. You can be interested because he or she is interested.
Good for you! It's sad when people don't think writing qualifies as a real pursuit. As Hart said, people who aren't artistic just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying, Alex! I'm trying.... :)
DeleteI don't talk about my writing much to family and friends unless they ask but even when teaching was my full time job I didn't talk about it with them. I just don't talk about work when I'm socializing. I'm fortunate in that many of the people close to me often ask me about my writing. If they're not interested in your work it's their loss.
ReplyDeleteLove the last line of your comment - "If they're not interested in your work, it's their loss."
DeleteI like to hear about what's important to other people, to hear what they're passionate about - their art, work, hobbies, etc - even if I don't totally get it or understand it.
I don't understand why some people feel the need to disrespect someone's work, whatever it may be. I haven't had this happen with my writing but I am guilty of the same thing you are in general - I hate confrontation and try my best to avoid it. I'm trying to stand up for myself more but it doesn't come easily.
ReplyDeleteI think it's often harder, too, when the disrespect isn't so blatant, when it comes across as more subtle. That's when I start to question myself - am I being too sensitive? Am I expecting too much from people? Etc.
DeleteKeep trying to stand up for yourself, Julie. Believe me, you're not alone. :)
This is why I stopped posting my blog links on Facebook--I find that people just really don't care enough to look. I even sent my entire book to a bunch of people who showed interest and got next to zero feedback. I think I just avoid talking about my writing with people because I know they don't actually care. If you feel like you're being insulted by someone, then by all means, call them out on it! You have a great attitude.
ReplyDeleteI bet that lack of feedback really hurt, and I'm sorry that happened.
DeleteThis new attitude was hard won and a long time coming. It's still kind of shaky, but I'm working on it. :)
I can definitely relate to this. People don't take it seriously, even after you're published. Because I write full-time, I set my own schedule and people seem to think that means I can be free to do whatever they need me to do at any time. They don't get the demands I'm under from my clients and the people relying on me. If I were a full-time fiction writer with many books in the works and constant deadlines, it would be even more serious!
ReplyDeleteI hear you! I sometimes wonder what would make people take it seriously. Making a lot of money? Being on bestseller lists? Maybe nothing. But I guess it doesn't really matter. WE have to take it seriously.... :)
Deleteunfortunately, i am in a difficult position with the only person who doesn't value my writing... and confrontation is not worth it... i will keep going regardless - i have enough support otherwise!
ReplyDeleteI keep going, too, Tara! If necessary, we find our support in other people and in other places. :)
DeleteIsn't what you wrote the truth! And I'm retired, so the dismissal can be even more abrupt. I've taken to interrupting and saying,"Let me tell you about my second book" emphasis on second, or "Did you see last month's (fill in name of magazine) I have an article (story) in it." Love being pushy! But your true friends will ask how the book is coming along, etc.
ReplyDeleteHa! I love the idea of being "pushy" and telling people regardless of their response etc. Not sure I have it in me, though...but might be worth a try. :)
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