Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Third Campaigner CHALLENGE

The Third Challenge in The Writers' Platform-Building Campaign was all about "show not tell." Here's what we had to do:
Write a blog post in 300 words or less, excluding the title. The post can be in any format, whether flash fiction, non-fiction, humorous blog musings, poem, etc. The blog post should show:
  • that it’s morning, 
  • that a man or a woman (or both) is at the beach
  • that the MC (main character) is bored
  • that something stinks behind where he/she is sitting
  • that something surprising happens.
Just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: "synbatec," "wastopaneer," and "tacise."   (NB. these words are completely made up and are not intended to have any meaning other than the one you give them).
I think I managed to pull off the main part of the challenge, and even though I didn't use the funky words, I'm pretty sure I used all five senses. I hope you all enjoy it.

*****

BEACH BUM

They will be the ones to find my body.

They walk barefoot, the warm Gulf water teasing their toes, lapping their ankles. Their first coffees of the day breathe steam over their creased faces.

I met them on the bench where I slept. She always said I looked cold, even when my braid stuck to my sweat-slicked neck. He always said I looked hungry, even when I’d just devoured an old sandwich from the trash. But they were right; I was always both. They brought me sweaters and sandwiches. They slipped me cotton-soft folded bills. They never preached at me - go to a shelter, go back home. Maybe they knew somehow that I belonged here, on the beach. Now I would belong here, to the beach, forever.

They will find my body. It sprawls behind me, right where those boys left me to die. The stench of my unwashed flesh and terror-loosed bowels mixes with their semen and sweat and urine. The wind wafts it over me but the sea takes it away.

The man gives her his cup, then plunges his gnarled hands into the water. He pulls up a sand dollar, holds it, triumphant.

I wept. I raged. I begged the universe for another chance to make my life right until I bored myself with my ragged pleas. Now, I am weary.

The woman gestures at the water. Dolphins.

 I stand. The dolphins swim close, closer. I walk into the water. The dolphins dart and dive, rise and arc. They wait. For me.

I lift my arms above my head, rise onto my toes, bend forward. Just as I disappear into the waves, I hear the woman gasp.

They have found my body.

*****

[Fellow Campaigners, I'm #57 if you'd like to "Like" my entry. :)]

36 comments:

  1. Oh, this is great! You did an excellent job. I have been terrible at keeping up with the campaign, but I definitely want to try this challenge as I know it will be great practice.

    Just wanted to let you know too, I tagged you over at my blog today. I hope you don't hate me for it LOL. ;)

    Great job again on the challenge piece! :)

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  2. Wow, this is beautiful, in a very creepy way. I loved it, great work!

    Mine is #25.

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  3. Julie - thanks so much! Go ahead and give the challenge a try. It was a lot of fun.

    Jen - I'll take "beautiful in a very creepy way" as a compliment any day. :)

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  4. Wow -- this was a punch in the gut, yet so beautifully written.

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  5. Love it. Dark but beautiful, with the most creative spin on "item that stinks behind her" that I've seen yet.

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  6. All I can say is, WOW! Poignant story, and so well done! For this powerful tale, I'm glad you didn't use the challenge words. You certainly showed without telling, because even the flashbacks are "in voice". Very original response to the challenge. I'm voting for you. And following, as well.

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  7. Milo - I love when my work does that to/for readers. Thank you.

    Jillian - thank you so much!

    Elizabeth - thank you! And welcome to The Shellshank Redemption. :)

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  8. Ooh I love it! Great imagery! I love how everything comes together at the end and they finally find the body. Wonderful take on the challenge!

    (I'm entry #5)

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  9. You have lovely writing and I think you did great job on this entry. Definitely gets a vote from me. :)

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  10. Very imaginative and descriptive. A sad tale, but so realistic. Good job! ; )

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  11. Jess - thank you! I've got to get moving on reading all the amazing entries.

    Alynza - thank you so much for your comment and your vote.

    Sheri - thank you very much!

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  12. Oh this is lovely. Visually powerful with an almost lyrical feel.

    Really loved this one.

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  13. Thank you, K.T! I just finished reading yours and loved it, so I "liked" it. :)

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  14. A most effective piece of writing. That is such a terrible fate. Makes me care for your character all the more. Once again, great job! :)

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  15. Thanks so much, David! I appreciate your reading and comments.

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  16. This piece was so vivid :) I was pulled right into your writing! Fabulous job. Now I'm off to vote.

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  17. Thank you, Angela! I love knowing it pulled you right in.

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  18. Great story! Very vivid...sucked me right in as well :)

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  19. Great job, I could visulize the beach and the people walking by.

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  20. Really interesting take on this challenge. Nicely done. Mine is #56

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  21. Jessica - thanks so much!

    Mel - thanks! I'm glad I could put the scene in your mind's eye.

    Bridget - thank you! I'm making my way slowly through the entries... :)

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  22. Awesome job! Very creative as well! :)

    I'm entry #69 :)

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  23. Alyssa - thanks so much. I'm working my way through the list of entries - there are so many good ones!

    Lesann - thank you!

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  24. Thanks, Tara. That kind of pov is sad, isn't it? For the writer and the reader.

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  25. So poignant. Great Voice. I'm off to vote.

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  26. Thanks so much, Joanna, for your comment and your vote. :)

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  27. I love it! Great imagery! I love how everything comes together at the end and they finally find the body. Great take on the challenge!

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  28. Hi, Madeline! I'm here to let you know you've advanced to the second round. Good luck, and congratulations! :)

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  29. This is such an emotionally stirring, intriguing piece. Just wanted to let you know that you're moving on to the second round of judging!

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